And they don’t cost a dime.
“Kid’s crave 2 things:
Safety.
Feeling valued.
If they don’t open up with you it’s not because they’re ‘stubborn’.
It’s because they don’t feel safe or valued enough to share themselves with you.
It’s not a them thing.
It’s a you thing.
Give them security and love.”
-Ray Zingler on X
Of course, there are complexities to kids as each kid is different from a standpoint of upbringing, background, trauma, & motivations, but fundamentally, when you wipe it all away, kids really only want 2 things:
1) Safety.
2) To feel valued.
“No, my kid wants a PS5, too!”
Nah, he doesn’t want a PS5, he wants safety. The PS5 is merely an escape tool he can use to temporarily remove himself from the real world (and his chores) to make him feel psychologically safe.
Don’t believe me?
Drive into the inner city, pull down a back alley, find an outlet on the back of a building, plug in a tv and his gaming set, give him a controller and then drive away.
5 seconds later in your rearview mirror you’re going to see a kid sprinting after you, not caring one iota about a PS5.
Why?
No safety.
If we know that safety is a primary concern for all kids (it’s the chief concern) would it not behoove us as adults and leaders of children to not prioritize creating safe environments for our kids to thrive in?
“I keep a roof over his head and feed him 3 meals a day, it don’t get more safe than that.”
Oh, hell yes it does.
Want to know why your kid doesn’t open up and talk with you about important “life stuff”? Because providing a structure that prevents him from getting rained on is only physically safe.
You never taught him what vulnerability looks like. You never shared your real feelings with him, which opens the (you guessed it) safety door for him to feel confident in sharing himself.
Him not sharing himself with you isn’t a him problem. It’s a you problem.
He didn’t bring himself into this world, you did, it’s your job to check-in, checkup, and follow through.
Guess what happens when you provide an environment where kids feel physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually safe?
They begin to feel valued.
And do you know what happens when kids feel safe and valued?
They let their guard down to be impacted.
And when you gain that foothold in a child’s life, you earn the opportunity to show them that their potential knows no bounds.
